Door 1 vs. Door 2.

I've always been a voracious reader.
I've always been a consistent writer.
For myself that is.

Yet, never, not once, have I been consistent about anything when it comes to sharing online.

Why is that? I'm not entirely sure, but I should poke at a few ideas.

I imagine, at least partly, it's due to sharing online often becomes too vulnerable for me to constantly emotionally handle.

Add that with issues of perfectionism that I haven't dealt with my whole life.

A perfectionism issue that I've used as a scapegoat.

No, more so an impenetrable barrier to never dare to achieve, nor accomplish, anything that might possibly benefit me down the way.

Why though?

I could mention that years ago, I posted something deeply personal on Medium, within days, I had a decent amount of likes, and minimal chatter within the comments, only to have a real-world person reach out to me about what I had written.

What I had written, at no point, mentioned this person, nor alluded to anything malicious towards this person.

Yet it bothered them so badly that I would dare share my thoughts on anything without their prior approval.

I took the post down.
Deleted it entirely.
I didn't write for years after that.
Not even for myself.

This persons approval meant more to me than anyone else's could have.
We haven't spoken in 12 years.

Well then, it seems I've, with breathtakingly effortless ability, found another goat to scape.

Yet if I ask myself to be truthful with myself...

It's me, it's my own issue.

Sharing our creativity with anyone is extraordinarily vulnerable.
Sharing my own creativity online is, to put it lightly, fucking insane.[^To me, it will always be]

Finding scapegoats, perfecting scapegoats, making up invisible barriers, making up a million reasons why I can't do a thing plenty of other people are capable of doing, and a million answers to the million made up reasons is, to put it lightly, also fucking insane.

So I'm left with a 2 doors.

1. Continuing to be a hermit, afraid of sharing vulnerability online whilst continuing to be this insane person who continues to make up reasons to not share creativity online with others.
2. Daring to be a different brand of insane and sharing that vulnerability online.

Welp, considering option 1 has gotten me fuck-all.

Door 2 it is.